Holding on, Letting go

This week, I've noticed that the days are growing cooler.  Facebook is filled with back to school pictures. Summer days are coming to an end. Fall is in the air.

I've been living in a state of denial.  We continued homeschooling in a few subjects throughout the summer on a minimal level, trying to regain some sense of normalcy after all the transition that took place in our lives this year.   For us, the coolness in the air doesn't make sense.  After all, our beach vacation is not for two more weeks! 

I've been looking ahead trying to determine what this year's school year will look like for us.   There are curriculum choices, organization, Co-op opportunities, extra curricular activities, and field trips to consider.  We have been homeschooling Jaedyn since Kindergarten, and every moment has been an adventure. He has thrived in the homeschool enviornment and would not trade it for the world.  Now entering 4th grade, he is content to stay by my side and feel secure and satisfied there.  He loves our daily interaction and learning schedule at home.  Although he has never had trouble making friends and functioning socially with any age group, he doesn't feel the need to be socially stimulated in a school environment.  Church, playdates, soccer team, and co-op opportunities have been enough for him.  In fact, at age three, he profoundly announced one day "I don't want to go to college".  When I asked why, he replied "because I never want to leave you guys!".   I hope that changes over time, and I believe that as I learn to give him wings, he will learn to fly.  But, for now, he is content. 

I firmly believe that the Lord has called me to homeschool for this season, maybe forever.  I'm still praying about that and taking it one year at a time.  However,  we have a second child. :)  A child whose personality is totally different than the firstborn, she is full of an adventure all her own.  When she is tired or scared or hungry, she runs to me with arms wide open.  Otherwise, she is content to explore the world on her own.  While Jaedyn needs someone to be his activity coordinator, Kadence will fill hours with independent play.  While he waits for me to take the lead, she paves a path all her own.  Jaedyn is most content at home, quietly functioning as a family.  Kadence is happiest surrounded by friends and family, in the middle of lots of people and chatter, in a busy social setting.  (Each child clearly takes after one of their parents, but I'll let you decide which one!)  

Kadence is 3, but already she has a deep desire to learn and is a sponge soaking up the enviornment around her.  This has been interesting to watch.  She is clearly enamored with all things pink and princess themed - some days she even refuses to get dressed if her clothes for the day are not pink.  However, having an older brother who is immersed in all things action themed, my little princess has developed quite a Star Wars and Lego Ninjago vocabulary.  Sometimes, it's funny.  Other times, I cringe.

In an effort to allow her to spend some more time in age appropriate activities and satisfy her incredible desire to learn, we have decided to venture into unchartered territory a bit this year.  We are blessed to have a preschool, daycare, and school at our church.  After much discussion and prayer, we have decided to enroll her in preschool for a few hours a week.  It will give her some freedom to learn in wonderful enviornment with the same values we would teach at home, while it gives Jaedyn some one on one time to focus without distractions.  I love her teacher and couldn't be more excited for her to pour into Kadence's life.  I love that, since Kadence won't attend every day of the week, she will support our learning at home by supplying us with supplemental materials.  The situation couldn't be more perfect.  So why do I have a tinge of sadness?

Last night I took her to Open House at the preschool.  She was able to spend time with her teacher, see her classroom, and learn about what to expect.  She was so excited.  I was excited watching her even as my heart filled with emotion.  She does not like to be referred to as a little girl anymore, and I was witnessing the transformation before my eyes.  

Little by little, as our children grow, they develop less of a need for our 24:7 attention and assistance.  I know this, because this is my second round.  Yet, this time is different, and I'm learning all over again.  (God help me when they become teenagers!)  Maybe it's my life season, and starting this parenthood thing late in the game that causes this to be so emotional for me.  Maybe it's watching all my friends that are of age equality :) sending their children off to high school, college, and even marriage that has made me want to hold on so tightly as time speeds up and slips away.  Maybe it is knowing that pregnancy, infants, and sleepless nights are a thing of the past in our house (not all of that is bad, by the way!).  Whatever it is, it has caused me to want to savor - and capture - every  precious moment, even as it is slipping through my fingers like sand.  

I don't want to fill my life with things that take up so much of my attention and energy that I lose sight of life's most precious blessings.  Even though things may seem to have value at the moment, my family is God's greatest gift.  I could have a lifetime of accomplishments, but it wouldn't matter if they kept me so caught up that I couldn't get down on my knees to look into the eyes of my child and give them my undivided attention.  So today, as I HOLD ON and LET GO,  I have the words of an old school song running through my head.  Funny, I remember my mom humming these words when I was a child. I'm pretty sure today that I know exactly how she was feeling as those lyrics went through her mind. :)

Hold tight to the sound of the music of living,
Happy songs from the laughter of children at play;
Hold my hand as we run through the sweet fragrant meadows,
Making memories of what was today.

Chorus: We have this moment to hold in our hands
and to touch as it slips through our fingers like sand;
Yesterday's gone and tomorrow may never come,
But we have this moment today.

Tiny voice that I hear is my little girl calling,
For Daddy to hear just what she has to say;
And my little son running there by the hillside,
May never be quite like today.

Tender words, gentle touch and a good cup of coffee,
And someone who loves me and wants me to stay;
Hold them near while they're here and don't wait for tomorrow,
To look back and wish for today.

Take the blue of the sky and the green of the forest,
And the gold and the brown of the freshly mown hay;
Add the pale shades of spring and the circus of autumn,
And weave you a lovely today.

-We Have This Moment (Bill & Gloria Gaither)